2015: the journey to me

hi. it's amy (again), obviously.

i know, i know: this is my travel blog -- a space to record the this-es and that-s of my time spent away from home, a space to let folks know i hadn't been mugged or kidnapped by gypsies (remember?).

but it's the first day of the new year, and i feel compelled (attributable to my rule-following-ways and this day's inherent tendency, as if a cardinal rule, towards reflection) to take pause and write something down about my travels over the last 365 sunrises and sunsets, even though i didn't wander too far from home (which is only to say i never left the 48 contiguous states), this time.

and, so, alas: here i am.

in short, 2015 was epic. and how could it not be? what, with the way i was born into it? fireworks (literally and figuratively, i dare say) over the thames? a month of gifts (galore) from the universe? achieving an unprecedented level of self-actualization? i could not have been positioned better - emotionally, mentally, spiritually - to live through the fullest (in a "my-cup-over-floweth" kind of way) trip around the sun, yet.

the way i came into 2015 was partially by design -- the trip, i mean: it was a gift to myself; the first of the three "big things" i was going to do to commemorate the 40th anniversary of my life on this earth; a check mark on my bucket-list of to-dos. planning and executing the trip was the easy part -- all that required was a few simple clicks on the internet and several months of reading travel books and consulting with seasoned travelers, all of whom had my best interests at heart. the remarkable coming of age experience (because, really, that's what happened: coming of age at 39-and-some-spare-change), on the other hand, was something i didn't (couldn't) expect or anticipate. and it, the culminating results of the experience, i mean, is the one thing for which i am the most grateful; the one thing that has been the most useful to me over the last year, as i have navigated my way through various personal and professional labyrinths; the one thing i endeavor to let guide me in the years to come, as i continue to evolve in this life.

the second of the three big things before 40: finish a half-marathon. talk about an evolution.

the plight of my existence has always been my struggle with weight -- and a mighty struggle it has been (and continues to be), indeed. back in the day, when my human density tipped the scales to a number i don't care to share (out of sheer embarrassment and shame), i'd never have imagined myself running anywhere (could insert a self-deprecating joke here, but i won't), or doing any real physical activity by choice, for that matter. i'd never been athletic, an athlete -- and, i'd never be athletic, an athlete. yet, this year, in 2015, between april and october, i finished, i ran, three (!) half-marathons, one in training and two official races.

finishing the races was, believe it or not, the easy part (it's amazing how far a bit of stubborn determination will take a person). for me, the real struggle has been allowing myself to categorize myself as a runner (not just someone who runs sometimes), as someone with athletic abilities, as an athlete. i mean, hell: i'm still too thick around the middle! the number on the scale is still too big! my calves and thighs are huge! an athlete? a runner? pshaw!

but let me tell you this: when i crossed that finish line, first in june and then again in october, i knew that i'd earned the label, that i am, indeed, a runner, an athlete, despite what outward appearances may suggest. and, that acceptance, for me, is an epic accomplishment.

and, now, the third thing, the third big thing before 40 ... here, i struggled: what, what would that be? what else could i do?  what? what?

when i came back from europe, my immediate inclination was to get the hell out of dodge, to leave this life, this life that had not turned out how i'd imagined it would be, the way i'd imagined before i knew anything about anything, and find something else in a place far, far away. but then the day-to-day (read: reality) settled in, and i knew leaving (read: escaping to another unknown) was not the answer, would not be a means to finding my own contentment. the answer, instead, was to open my eyes, open my eyes the way the universe had taught me to do, and observe all that i'd been given, all that i had -- family, friends, livelihood, health, opportunity ... and love. so. much. love.

and then do you know what happened? i found more love, new love, love for me to share, and love for me to receive. and this, this has been the best and the biggest of the three big things.

like i said: epic.