... bonjour! ...

it's just me this time, taking time to reflect on the last 10/12 days -- whatever it's been. i'm telling you what: the time stands still and it flees like a fucking bandit in the night (sorry about the cussing, mom and dad) at the same time. time, time, time.  

but that is one thing: the time. getting ready for this trip, i spent a lot of time feeling anxious about the unknown; anxious about how i'd find my way; anxious about how i'd go about meeting people; anxious about how i'd get money and find public restrooms; anxious about whether or not i'd feel lonely and/or sad; anxious, anxious, anxious. talk about a waste of time ... total waste of time. i did get some good advice, though, re: the anxiety: get all your worrying done before you go because that's the only time you've got time for worry (thank you, priscilla). because the thing is: i figure those things out every single day, regardless of where i might be (at home and in places which are not familiar) -- so why would i even entertain the thought that my smarts would stay on u.s. soil? and i can tell you: i have been figuring out all of those things since i stepped off the plane at heathrow on december 26th (sure, sometimes the answer is more apparent and i move with a little more confidence; other times, i point and guess and hope for the best outcome, sometimes having to redirect midstream). and i'm winning.

and about meeting people: are you going to europe to see europe or to meet people, asked my friend sharon (more sage advice). right? hello. i'm going to europe see europe; meeting people is frosting. and, truth be told, i have not met many people (except owen and john, and i'm blaming owen for giving me strep throat, so there's that ...) and i don't feel like i am missing out on some crucial part of this journey. and that's because i am learning from the people around me, the people who cross my path every day: the old, kindly man in london who asked "can i help you find something, dear?" the man who took my elbow and told me to just cross at an intersection in paris when i wasn't sure if i should go or if i should stay, as a car was attempting to turn the corner. the girl wearing the je suis charlie pin on her coat, who smiled back at me when i smiled at her. the very attractive libyan at gare du nord who gave me his place in line because he believed in beauty before age!

if you watch closely, people you don't even know will teach you lessons every day (and, no, i did not need to cross the atlantic to figure that out).  i have been in the middle of a sea of people since i got here, people who look different from one another, people who speak different languages, people with different customs and cultures ... it's a big world and it feels big here, unlike back home. and, frankly, i like being in this sea of bigness because it reminds me, and reminds me in a very tangible way (tangible impact, mary katherine!), that there is so much more than my immediate reality, my day-to-day, so much, much, much, much, more ...

oh. and this may be too much information, but: i have not soiled myself once because i could not find a public toilet (that is what you have to ask for here, the toilet -- not the restroom). also, i have money (less and less of it everyday, but i have it).

mostly, i feel free. i sleep. i sleep 8 solid hours a night, and sometimes 10 (and all of you who know me, know that is NOT me). i smile at people i don't know. i say "bonjour" to people who make eye contact with me. i dance in this flat in the morning when i'm getting ready for the day and in the evening when i am settling down for the night (i DON'T dance!). 

maybe we can chalk those things up to being on vacation, to being afforded the gift of complete and total anonymity, to lack of any real responsibility (no house to maintain, no car to maintain, no job to worry about (i mean, what am i going to about something at work from here?!?), no snow to shovel, no subzero temps to weather), to finally achieving an appropriate level of detachment ... but the question i have to ask myself (and answer), then, is why? why don't i do those things or variations of them more often, especially because i am capable (that's rhetorical and may or may not be answered publicly)?

i have been clenching my teeth for 39 years; today, my jaw is relaxed. 

maybe i just needed a vacation. 

maybe i needed some time to just be in the world... 

either way, i am here.